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THE DISCUSSION OF RAISING CHILDREN

EXPECTATIONS OF INVOLVEMENT AND CHILD REARING ISSUES.

It doesn't matter whether this is a first marriage or you are blending two families. The question of your philosophies on child rearing are facts that need to be shared. Some of the questions you can ask each other is:

• How involved in discipline will each parent be? (This is important with not only blended families, but new families as well).
• How do you intend on disciplining your children? What methods of discipline do you feel works?
• Who will get up in the middle of the night with babies? Will it be a shared responsibility?
• How strict do you plan to be?
• How active do you want your children to be in extra-curricular activities?
• What faith will you raise your children? (Hopefully you will be of the same faith and this will not be an issue.)
• How do you feel about who babysits your children? 
• Will someone stay home with them as opposed to leaving them with a babysitter?
• What role do you want the grandparents to play in the children's lives?
• Will you feel deprived if having children puts a cramp in the lifestyle you have always lived? Will this cause resentment that the children and/or your spouse will feel?

These questions should get you started in a dialog that will enable you to talk about some of the issues that will come up. You will never answer them all ahead of time, but you can start talking and learn how to tell each other why you feel the way you do.


My husband and I were raised very differently. He was reared by his grandparents who were very strict and even abusive. I was raised by parents that were supportive, nurturing, and yet somewhat strict.


We both had things we didn't want to see happen to our children that happened to us. We discussed these at length before we were married and often as we were raising our kids. We have been able to come to a place of agreement in what parts of our rearing was good and bad. Communication was an important part of this area of our lives, but it worked. If you can't agree on the questions above, then you are destined for trouble.There are other articles on child-rearing on this blog. This article is to help you understand the importance of asking the right questions so you will know you are making a good decision about a potential spouse

RELATIONSHIPS: SPIRITUAL DIFFERENCES.

All of the categories in this series of articles are things a person should consider when searching for a mate.
A good solution to avoiding problems is to write a list that describes what you want in a partner. Once you have your list written down, arrange it in order of importance. As I write these articles I'll arrange them in order of what I feel (after over 30 years of marriage) is most important. You may feel certain things are more important than what I put down, but this is something that can guide you if you really don't know. 

One of the most important things to consider when entering a relationship that you hope will take you into a marriage is you and your partner's spiritual differences. When you are physically and emotionally attracted to someone, your ability to analyze what is best for you can go out the window. This is why you should always look first for someone to date who fills the bill in most of the important areas of your life.


Many people may not think of spiritual differences as a subject that is most important, but I can assure you it is. This is something that should be approached on the first date, or better yet, before dating has even begun. Not only should you find out where they stand spiritually, but as a Christian, you should not even date an unbeliever. Once you start dating, and your romantic interest finds out that this is important to you, it is common for people to feign a spiritual life to hold on to their love interest. This happened to someone I know, and though they are still married after many years, life has been a little short of hell for the person who thought they were marrying a Christian.  

Your whole life philosophy centers around your spiritual beliefs no matter what they are. 

In another case, a young woman who was brought up christian and married a Muslim found herself with many conflicts that couldn't be settled. As time went on in their marriage, she found she was afraid to have children because of the possibility that he could take their child and return to his country, never mind the fact that he would not allow their children to be raised to know about the Christian faith. This was something that she did not think out when she first married him. The marriage ended in divorce. 

Beyond the problems of marrying someone who is of a different faith, or is not a believer at all, is the differences within your faith. Within the Christian religion there are vast differences in how they approach their beliefs. Are they someone that was born into a family that goes to church, but has never made a personal commitment?  Do they prefer a formal church or a more modern church with worship bands? Are they very traditional in their worship or do they prefer a more charismatic approach? Are they members of a "spirit filled" denomination? Do they believe once you are saved you are always saved? Are they very grace oriented or do they believe in sanctification where one much constantly work at being good enough? Are they judgmental of other people's spiritual walk, or do they believe everyone grows at different rates and in different areas. All of these questions are something to consider. 

If these matters have not been settled in your own mind, then you are not ready to marry. These are things you need to have settled within yourself before you include another person in a relationship that will be permanently in your life.

Paul Little's books did a lot for me in helping me to narrow down what I really believed as has Watchman Nee's, Sit Walk Stand. 


It is important to know who you are and to become a whole person before you bind yourself to another in marriage. Some people say married life should be 50/50, however, more often it requires 100 % of yourself. Do you love the person enough to give all of what you are? 


It doesn't always mean you have no life of your own, or that you can't enjoy life, but you don't know what life holds and what problems could come your way. Be prepared. If God calls you to marriage, you can give what you need to and he will give you what you need.

QUESTIONS TO ASK IN A NEW RELATIONSHIP

When entering a new relationship is it wise to find out how each other feels about as much as possible. This will avoid problems later. When my husband and I met we had both been married once before and had some idea of what we wanted in a relationship; luckily for us they were very similar.


Things to consider:

• Spiritual Differences
• Raising Children (expectations of involvement and discipline issues)
• Money (who handles what and how)
• Goals (short and long term)
• Commitment (expectations)
• Sex (expectations)
• Planning for the Future
• Interests
• Extended Family
• Where to Live
• Retirement

I will address all of these in their own post. There is probably more than I can't think of I will add as we go along. No matter whether you are starting in a relationship that is a first time for both of you or if one or both of you have "been there before," all of these topics will need to be addressed; the sooner the better. My  husband and I did have a lot of these issues settled before we got married, but not all of them were and of course the ones that we had to settle later ended up being a source of contention. We were committed to our relationship though and being fully committed enables you to work through the areas of disagreement.


Compromise and understanding are necessary in reaching a place where common ground can be found. I found it very helpful to just "give it to God" to fix areas when I was frustrated. I felt that if He put us together, He needed to fix it. One key in giving it to God though, is being willing to be the one to change or apologize if that is what He requires; and sometimes that has happened.

Marriage is a life of giving. You need to feel that you want to make that person happy, and not feel like it is your spouses job to make you happy. You will derive happiness from the relationship, but it cannot be up to the other person to fulfill that need for you. It is something you need to find from within. It is best if you are whole and happy without being in a relationship; then you will have a source from which to give to another.

LITTLE ONES

When is the right time to start discipline? That is a question we discussed at a family dinner. Our granddaughter is starting to show her temper. Like all little ones, in the beginning life is all about number one—them.


Whether in a store having fun, a special playtime with an opportunity for new toys or not wanting to go where their parents need them to; it can be a myriad of reasons; they want what they want, when they want it.


With two sets of grandparents you would think we would have very different philosophies in child rearing, but we don't. We all agree that you need to get an early start on discipline. If you get them trained early you don't have to work so hard at it later on.


I don't think you need to spank little ones much at the age of one, but a couple of swats on the behind when they are throwing temper tantrums and a long with a serious talking to, is not child abuse and can thwart monumental problems later on. "They won't understand what you are saying to them." you might say. However, a child's receptive knowledge is much greater than their speaking ability. Even if they can't understand everything you say, they can understand that you are serious about what just happened. It is a learning opportunity for them.

When I say "give them a good taking to" I am not saying to "yell" at them. That is not productive communication, but sitting down and talking to them sincerely and seriously, explaining to them why throwing tantrums is unacceptable behavior "is" productive. They are constantly learning more words, intonation and ways to communicate. The will know that you care about them, they will know that what they did is not a desired response, and eventually they will understand every word you say.


Another important aspect of communication with your child is to get direct eye contact. I learned this from a friend who was babysitting her granddaughter many years ago. She always said, "Look at my eyes." when she was disciplining her grandchild. I could see through observation that it was a way of getting the child's full attention.


Finally we should never leave God out of the equation. When my son was little he was acting up in Sunday School Class. The teacher was telling me about it and she told me that she prayed with him. She told me he prayed sincerely with her. He was only three. God can guide us as we endeavor to lead our children in lives to be good, loving, happy eternal beings. We are given a great responsibility when we are blessed with children; one that should not be taken lightly. We love them so much, we hate to spank them, chastise them because we do love them, but the ultimate love will look beyond the moment and realize we are their guardians for life.

Our wisdom is not always God's wisdom. I remember when my youngest son was about a year and a half old, he started throwing temper tantrums. I thought that if I just ignored him and didn't give it attention he would soon get tired of it and quit, but at that moment when he was on the ground screaming, crying and kicking the ground and I was trying to ignore it, God whispered to me to give him a spanking, and told me "Stop it now."  My son was so young and skinny. I hated doing it, but I was obedient to God and gave him two or three swats telling him that throwing fits was unacceptable behavior. His attitude changed right away and as I sensed that  I comforted him and softly told him that God did not want him to throw tantrums. I made a vow to try and pay attention to the whispers of God while raising my children.


All children are different. What will work for one, may not work for another, but God knows their inner being and knows what will work. If you listen he will speak these things to your heart.

Jacob documents the first thirty days in Jalalabad.

The first thirty days were rough...nothing much to work with, everything had to be built.